Where a Kid Can Be a Pirate
by Willofthewisp
Summary: Jack and Gibbs start babysitting for some extra cash and a field trip with eight kids nearly destroys them. Don't know how long I'll get to keep this on here, but I wanted to write it for a long time! One-shot.


Where a Kid Can Be a Pirate

Low on funds, Jack and Gibbs decide to take up babysitting some kids at Shipwreck Cove, promising their parents a day to themselves. After braving storms, soldiers, skeletons, and krakens, will a few seven-year-olds finally be Jack Sparrow's undoing?

* * *

_(Jack holds a clipboard as four boys and four girls stand in a row across from him.)_

**Jack:** All right, well, let's not beat around the bush, shall we? Eh? When I call your name, just say "here" and then we'll be getting on the bus. Questions?

_(Denise raises her hand.)_

**Jack:** Yes, love?

**Denise:** Are you really a pirate?

**Jack:** Yes.

**Denise:** Where's your eye patch?

**Elvin:** Where's your peg leg?

**Cliff:** Where's your parrot?

**Jack:** HE is on my ship and you'll find it is decidedly not all that entertaining to have an animal perched on your shoulder echoing your every word as it may sound. _(Jack the Monkey suddenly scampers up and perches on Jack's shoulder. The kids gasp in awe.)_ Right. The roll call. _(starts reading list) _Cliff?

**Cliff:** Here.

**Jack:** Claire?

**Claire:** Here!

**Jack:** Rudy?

**Rudy:** Here.

**Jack:** Theo?

**Theo:** Here.

**Jack:** Denise?

**Denise:** Here.

**Jack:** Ah yes, the inquisitive one. We'll be keeping an eye on you. Fortunately since I do not have an eye patch I can keep two eyes on you. Martin?

**Martin:** Here.

**Jack:** Elvin?

**Elvin:** Here.

**Jack:** And Sondra.

**Sondra:** I WAS LAST! _(bawls her eyes out)_

**Jack:** No, no, no crying! We haven't even started yet. _(goes to her and gets on a knee where he hugs her)_ I'll call your name first next roll call. What say you to that?

**Sondra:** _(sniffs)_ Okay.

**Jack:** That's a good girl. Now, where is Gibbs with our transportation?

_(Everyone jumps at an ear-splitting honk. A school bus pulls up right behind Jack. The door opens to reveal Gibbs in the driver's seat.)_

**Gibbs:** All aboard!

**Jack:** You heard the man, move_. (He barely dodges the stop sign attached to the bus when it flips out and climbs up into it) _

**Gibbs:** Jack, ye sure about this venture? The stories circulating about this place…

**Jack:** Food, games, and shows all rolled into one kiddie-friendly venue? Mr. Gibbs, I think you overestimate those legends. Smooth sailing lies ahead, mate. They'll eat their lunch and then run off to play and all we have to do is make sure they go back to their parents fully intact, savvy?

**Theo:** Captain Sparrow, Martin's trying to stick his hand out the window!

_(Jack and Gibbs exchange a look)_

**Gibbs:** _(whispering)_ That's bad?

**Jack:** _(whispering) _I'll find out. _(to the kids)_ Can anyone tell me why it might be hazardous to said embarkation for anyone on this bus to stick his or her hand out the window? How about you, Rudy?

**Rudy:** They'll snag a tree branch and catch us and we'll be killed!

_(All the kids start screaming. Jack fires his pistol in the air to quiet them. There is now a hole in the top of the bus, a ray of sunshine seeping in.)_

**Jack:** There'll be no hands, arms, legs, feet, heads, hair, sharp pointy sticks, backpacks, shoes…nothing goes out the windows.

**Gibbs:** Heh heh heh heh.

**Jack:** Might I ask what is so amusing?

**Gibbs:** I thought I'd have the worse job, driving this contraption, but then it hit me—you're the one havin' to supervise them. Heh heh heh.

_(The bus drives off.)_

* * *

15 Minutes Later

**Claire:** Are we there yet?

**Jack:** No.

**Claire:** Are we there yet?

**Jack:** No.

**Claire:** Are we there yet?

**Jack:** _(turns to Cliff) _So, tell me about yourself, lad.

**Cliff:** What is the difference between "ooh" and "ahh?"

**Jack:** Hmm, I don't know. What is the difference between "ooh" and "ahh?"

**Cliff:** About three inches!

**Jack:** _(turns back to Claire)_ What's he talking about?

**Claire:** Are we there yet?

* * *

5 Minutes Later

**Jack:** Oh, Claire, darling. We're here.

_(The kids press their faces up against the windows. They are at Chuck E. Cheese. They make very pleasantly surprised sounds.)_

**Gibbs:** Here we be, tots! Chuck E. Cheese, formerly known as Showbiz Pizza, where a kid can be a kid, according to the slogan. Ye see, the whole idea started when…it ain't that interestin' a story. Stand up and form a line.

**Jack:** Stay together going in. We'll have no one hit by a car now that we've survived being snagged by branches. Hold hands.

**Kids:** EWWWWWW!

**Jack:** Oh get over it. It won't be long before you'll all be the only thing the opposite sex ever thinks about.

**Rudy:** He said sex!

_(The kids laugh and hold hands and climb out of the bus, Gibbs the last to get out. They cross the parking lot peaceably and silently and head into Chuck E. Cheese. The kids then run off in all directions.)_

**Jack:** No! Wait! Mr. Gibbs, see if you can track them down while I order their lunch. Mr. Gibbs?

**Gibbs:** _(at the cashier) _Three large pizzas, one cheese, one pepperoni, and one sausage with, oh, tomato slices for a dash of Italian authenticity.

**Cashier:** There's nothing Italian about our pizza, sir.

**Jack:** Bugger. Kids! Kids?

_(The kids are everywhere, clamoring through the tunnels, in the ball room, playing the video games, etc.)_

**Jack:** I have candy!

**Kids:** Yay!

_(Jack and Gibbs lead the kids into the dining room where the stage is lit, but the curtain still down. The next show will be on in a few minutes. They sip their Cokes and wait for the pizza. Sondra is wailing.)_

**Jack:** What's wrong now, Sondra?

**Sondra:** I CAN'T FIT THE STRAW INTO MY JUICE BOX!

**Gibbs:** How'd she get a juice box in here?

**Jack:** What difference does it make? Give it here, lass, and we'll see if ol' Jack can't fit it into the hole. _(he tries to stick the straw in, but it won't budge. He struggles with it some more.)_ It's stuck!

**Gibbs:** Come on now, Jack. You can do it. Be like the Little Engine That Could. I think I can, I think I can…

**Kids:** I think I can. I think I can!

**Jack:** _(to himself, still struggling with the straw)_ Fit it in the hole…fit it in the hole…wait a tick. _(closes his eyes)_ Think of Lizzie. _(straw goes right in)_ Here we go.

**Sondra:** Yay!

**Server:** Here's your pizza, plates, forks, napkins. Anything else?

**Gibbs:** I think we're good.

**Server:** Whatever.

**Gibbs:** _(licks his lips and rubs his palms together)_ I'm already famished. How about you?

**Jack:** Equally so. _(They serve out the pieces of pizza and then bite into it.) _This tastes like rubber!

**Denise:** I don't want pepperoni on mine.

_(Jack hands her a cheese slice.)_

**Denise:** No! Pull the pepperonis off the piece I already have and put them in a pile on my plate.

**Jack:** What?

**Denise:** I want pizza and pepperoni, but they can't touch.

_(Jack gives her an exasperated look and picks off the pepperonis. He stacks them on the side of her plate.)_

**Jack:** Anything else while I'm up?

**Denise:** Do you have any food allergies?

**Jack:** Oh, that's right, the curious one. No.

**Denise:** Elvin does.

**Jack:** Wait. What?

**Denise:** He can't have wheat.

**Jack:** The whole crust is made of wheat!

_(Denise just smiles as Jack runs to the other end of the table and slaps Elvin's pizza out of his hand.)_

**Elvin:** Why'd you do that? _(Tears well up in his eyes.)_

**Jack:** You're welcome. You might have died if you ate that wheat.

**Elvin:** I'm not allergic to wheat!

**Jack:** But Denise…

_(Denise giggles and eats her pepperonis.)_

**Jack:** I've picked my least favorite kid.

**Announcer:** AND NOW, BOYS AND GIRLS, THE CHUCK E. CHEESE BAND!

_(The curtain goes up and various animatronics appear with musical instruments, notably Chuck E. Cheese Mouse himself with an ostrich or something and a purple people eater.)_

**Cheese:** All right! Who's ready for a song?

**Band: **

We're Chuck E. Cheese's Lowly, Messed Up Band  
We hope you will enjoy the show  
We're Chuck E. Cheese's Lowly, Messed Up Band  
Sit back and let the evening go.  
Chuck E. Cheese's lowly, Chuck E. Cheese's lowly  
Chuck E. Cheese's Lowly, Messed Up Band.  
It's wonderful to be here  
It's certainly a thrill.

**Jack:** It's nothing short of hell is what it is.

**Claire:** We're done with our pizza. Can we go play?

**Jack:** Sure.

_(The kids run off. Jack leans back and sips his Coke.)_

**Jack:** See, Mr. Gibbs? This is the part I was telling you about. We can sit back and relax and they'll wear themselves out.

**Gibbs:** _(eases back into his chair)_ Aye. What say we Irish up this Coke, eh?

**Jack:** Rum and Coke. I like it.

_(Just as Gibbs is about to get out his flask, they hear a scream from the game room. Both spring up and run.)_

**Theo:** _(climbing up the netting in the ball room)_ Aar! I'm Captain Barbossa, scariest pirate who ever lived!

**Gibbs:** Oh, thank goodness. They're just playing. Come on, Jack. Jack?

**Jack:** Stay here. I'm going to set that boy straight.

**Gibbs:** Oh, let it go. Kids will be kids.

**Jack:** Oy! Theo! Who was it killed Barbossa?

**Theo:** He came back!

**Jack:** But he had to die in order to come back in the first place.

**Sondra:** _(bawling her eyes out) _THEO'S CLIMBING UP THE NETTING!

_(Jack steps into the ball room and gets Theo down. The kids take advantage of the moment and throw balls at him.)_

**Rudy and Denise:** _(standing side by side)_ Come play with us, Jack. Forever and ever….

_(On the other end of the game room, Gibbs and Cliff play a shooting game.)_

**Gibbs:** What a surge! What an outlet! I feel such an adrenaline rush!

**Cliff:** Dude, it's just a game.

**Jack:** Gibbs!

**Gibbs:** That sounded like Jack. Where are ye?

_(He peers into the ball room but doesn't see him. Suddenly, a defiant arm pops out from the balls. Jack stands up, the kids clinging to every part of him, their weight pushing down on him until he falls back into the sea of balls.)_

**Jack:** Help!

**Gibbs:** I'm coming! _(swan-dives into the balls)_ Ow! These are plastic!

**Jack:** _(breathless)_ Kids, kids. Look. If ye play the games, you win tickets and you can exchange those tickets for prizes. Look! _(points to the prize gallery)_

_(The kid tornado runs out of the ball room and to the games.)_

**Gibbs:** Let me help you out of there.

**Jack:** Thanks, mate. What say you to ski ball? I still can't figure out that boy's joke for the life of me. "About three inches…"

**Gibbs:** It'll come. _(pats his back) _It'll come.

* * *

30 Minutes Later

**Sondra:** _(bawling)_ I GAVE THEM A HUNDRED TICKETS AND ALL I GOT WAS A CRAPPY STICKER!

**Jack:** _(runs over to her and looks at the worker)_ Oy! What's all this? Cheating little kids?

**Worker:** Sir, we have certain prizes for the amount of tickets they bring up. Five tickets gets you a peanut. Fifty tickets gets you two crayons. Two hundred and fifty thousand tickets gets you a motorbike.

**Jack:** Highway robbery, this is! Give the little girl her…what do you want?

**Sondra:** The stuffed Chuck E. Cheese up on the wall.

**Worker:** Sir, that stuffed animal costs six hundred tickets.

**Gibbs:** _(running over)_ Jack! That would mean staying here at least another three hours!

**Jack:** Aye, and we are not doing that. _(unsheathes his sword)_ Young man, we are taking that Chuck E. Cheese plushie and…Mr. Gibbs, round up the kiddies.

_(Gibbs blows a whistle. The kids scurry to them.)_

**Gibbs:** _(brandishes a pistol)_ The waffle iron, too.

**Worker:** That's fifteen hundred tickets!

**Gibbs:** I've earned it today.

**Martin: **The ninja stars, please.

_(Jack and Gibbs deal out the toys and everyone makes a run for the bus.)_

* * *

That evening

**Elizabeth:** _(holding a rubbing alcohol-soaked cotton ball up to Jack's eye)_ I still don't understand how you got a black eye from those plastic balls.

**Jack:** It wasn't a plastic ball. It was a rock! That Rudy had an arm. I'll tell you one thing, darling. I will never underestimate the havoc children can wreak again.

**Elizabeth:** A lesson well learned.

**Jack:** You don't happen to know what the difference is between "ooh" and "ahh" is, do you?

_(Elizabeth shakes her head.)_

**Jack:** About three inches. _(sees Elizabeth laugh)_ Explain it to me.

**Elizabeth:** Jack…you get it.

**Jack:** No, I really don't.

**Elizabeth:** Wha…yes, you do!

_(Jack reads her hinting face until his eyes widen.)_

**Jack:** That little pervert! That's the raunchiest thing I've ever heard!

**END**

* * *

**A/N: I do not own the following: Chuck E. Cheese, The Cosby Show, The Beatles, **_**The Shining, **_**Coca Cola, or POTC.**


End file.
